Caring in America
With Podcast Host: Richard Wexler
Episode 110
Home for the Holidays: What to Do When You Notice Your Parents Have Changed
By Richard Wexler, Caring in America & APlan2Age
For those who have followed me for a while, you know my story. Twenty years ago, in the summer of 2005, our world flipped. My wife and I were deep into raising two small kids, both working, thinking all four of our parents were doing great. Then the phone started ringing. One call after another revealed the truth: they weren’t doing as well as we thought.
For the next fourteen years, until the last of our parents passed at age 96 in 2019, caregiving became part of our daily life. That journey pushed me into education, advocacy, and eventually—into founding Caring in America and leading APlan2Age, our national nonprofit dedicated to making aging clearer, safer, and less overwhelming.
And this time of year brings me right back to where so many families begin their own caregiving journey: going home for the holidays.
The Moment You Realize Something Has Changed
Whether it was Thanksgiving or you’re heading home for Christmas, many adult children experience a moment of discomfort:
Your parents look… different.
They’re moving more slowly.
Their home isn’t as organized.
Something feels “off” in conversation.
And that moment—quiet as it may seem—often becomes the spark that begins the aging and care conversation.
Step 1: Loop in Your Siblings
Before calling Mom or Dad with concerns, reach out to your siblings if you have them. Share what you saw:
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“Mom seemed more confused.”
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“Dad was struggling with his balance.”
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“The house didn’t feel like they could keep up.”
This is about getting everyone on the same page. If you’re an only child, the responsibility rests with you—but you still don’t have to do it alone. Resources and professionals exist to help.
Then comes the second part: deciding who should talk to Mom or Dad first.
It’s not always the oldest. It’s not the “alpha.” It’s the one with the best communication and trust with the parent in question. Sometimes, that person is you—whether you feel ready or not.
Step 2: Approach the Conversation the Right Way
Here’s what not to say:
“Mom, we need to talk.”
That line immediately triggers defensiveness.
If possible, use video—FaceTime, Zoom—so you can see expressions and body language. And approach with curiosity, not confrontation.
Many parents respond best when the child comes from a place of seeking guidance rather than giving it. For example:
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“I need your advice.”
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“Can you help me understand what you and Dad want as you get older?”
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“If something happened, who would you want helping you?”
These questions open a door that a command never could.
And sometimes their answer will be unrealistic—like choosing a child who lives four states away or expecting someone with young kids to suddenly become a full-time caregiver. But even unrealistic answers start conversations. And that’s the goal.
Step 3: Expect Pushback—And Know It’s Normal
One thing I’ve heard more times than I can count is:
“Honey, we’re fine.”
Or the classic:
“Don’t worry, we’ve got it covered.”
Often, they don’t.
Sometimes they either haven’t made a plan… or their plan no longer fits their needs. Maybe they live in a condo with all the necessary rooms upstairs. Maybe they’re beginning to struggle physically or cognitively. These things matter—and they will matter even more six months or a year from now.
Your job isn’t to fix everything in one call.
Your job is to begin the conversation—kindly, consistently, and over time.
Step 4: Keep Your Siblings in the Loop
Once you have the conversation, update your siblings. Transparency matters—especially if your parents assume one of their adult children will care for them or help pay for support like in-home care or senior living.
Care is expensive, and clarity prevents resentment, confusion, and crisis later on.
A Real Family Facing These Questions Right Now
I’m currently helping a couple working through decisions for an aging loved one in their 70s. He’s facing physical issues and early cognitive changes. They weren’t sure what options existed—home care, assisted living, memory care, Medicaid eligibility, moving him closer to them, or relocating themselves.
Their questions sounded like thousands of others:
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What are our real options?
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What does each one cost?
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How do we find trustworthy care?
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Can Medicaid help?
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Is staying home even realistic?
These are the exact questions APlan2Age was created to help families understand—before stress turns into a crisis.
Aging Conversations Aren’t One-and-Done
Starting the conversation is just that—a start. Pride, fear, and uncertainty can all make parents hesitate. And yes, some will even say, “Why should I listen to you? I changed your diapers!”
That’s real.
But so is the reality that the caregiving dynamic eventually shifts. Parents who once cared for us will one day need us—at least in decision-making and planning.
The Most Important Takeaway
If you went home for the holidays and noticed even subtle changes, the time to act is now. Not in a panic, not in a rush… but with gentle, consistent steps.
Aging isn’t something to fear.
But avoiding the conversation?
That’s what leads to chaos.
Start small. Stay compassionate. And remember—you don’t have to navigate any of this alone.
Until next time, have an awesome day.
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Our country is entering a new chapter, one we have never seen before… over 100 million people are 50 years of age or older, and the need for care is going to be more and more prevalent. We are dreaming of a nation where aging and care are understood and become part of our normal conversations with family.
To make this a reality, we need your help!